what does it mean to have money and buy things you feel will make you happy

i always feel bad asking my parents for money. im afraid that they’ll say no, but im even more afraid that they’ll say nothing. in that moments an environment of inner turmoil and thoughts makes me feel ashamed, undeserving, and even more anxious than I already am about spending money.

It’s such a fear. Such a hard thing to get used to. As much as I want to be okay i dont know why i can’t.

You know what. Today I asked my mom for something. Something i wanted because it made me excited happy and motivated. But her initially reaction was negatively hesistant but my anxious questions pushed her strong words even more. words she didn’t even realize would poke at my insecurities about liking a certain thing way too much. its kpop related:(

i feel wrong and bad, and absolutely undeserving i dont know how to get over it some help. i think im just gonna gry until i can’t cry anymore. i should have never asked for such a materialistic thing.

the worst part of it is im asking my own mother if i should BUY this fansite seasons greetings set WITH MY OWN MONEY BECAUSE IM A BABY AND i dont know how to adult.

i am miserable.

Advertisements

smiling for who

yesterday night, i started getting really sick. I’m not sure what it was- perhaps a combination of the sprawled out non-meal aka snacks that i ate…but suddenly, after a few sips of the dark roast instant coffee I once trusted, began to betray me cruelly.

im dramatizing things it seems, but when you’re tired and longing for a sweet nap, i guess that’s just how things go. I also have music to set the mood.

what stories to i have to tell. its incredible that the way I see myself is so different from how others see me. as loud as my silent voice years to be, it just doesn’t touch people hearts.

I need to figure out how to find confidence again. It’s incredible how much its plummeted. It started out pretty low, but after my mom said something to me, its just worsened.

Do you think guys desire to be pretty? Sometimes I feel like I can’t even step out of my room because I feel physically bad…ugly. I didn’t care about that before- or at least, I learned how to love myself for who I was inside and out. I legitimately liked myself.

Something happened to me. Something. Studying to epik high is always nice. I have a calc quiz tomorrow I’m gonna ace. Thats right! I’m gonna ace it! Im determined.

until later, when I have more stories to tell. adios!

i didn’t realize that the show was over.

Music: Epik High Shoebox Entire Album

It’s a monday people!!!!

I’m not ready to start the week. Maybe that’s because I’m in the refuge of my parents home still waiting for my phone šŸ˜¦

I feel so messed up sometimes out of nowhere. To be honest, I’m procrastinating right now.

Hey! I know what love is. Can you believe? Even if that person cuts and stabs at your gut, scratches at your heart… you still feel your heart radiating an infinite love for them. Even though it may sad sound, sometimes love is truly that infinite. If only I could feel that for myself.

Don’t worry. I’m trying to figure it out.

As long as I have the patience and determination in me, I have to keep trying. Keep trying everyday and reflect on your mistakes, but don’t lament on them forever. It’s tiring.

Wow. If Epik High doesn’t make some of the best melodies…BYE.

I can definitely see where BTS’s ingenuity comes from. It’s incredible.

keep trying keep going

love yourself.

I will always believe in you, and I will always love you.

My soft hours have concluded.

But not really.

feeling like empty.

if the uncapitalized letters dont give it away enough…i feel empty today.

i dont know what to feel. i dont know. i started on my september bujo. its random and unorganized just like me.

the thing is- that’s just my style though. a little funky, disorganized, with touches of randomness that make up for empty space and desire to fulfill a white pages “untapped potential”.

nah-its actually my brain and souls desire to put as much brain goop on the white page as possible. experimentation! that’s what it is…

i still dont know what im doing. maybe i just need to take a shower.

i should deactivate my twitter. but im not. im just going to have to re-instill a forgotten discipline. I really want to be creative but how can an empty person be fucking creative?!

WHEW! i just cussed and suddenly i could release a breathe of anxious air.

maybe its because my desk is messy…or im deadass tired, but i still feel a bit off.

still trying to figure it out forever and always. peace.

bts. love yourself.

music: bts love yourself piano ver. ryuseralover

the bg in Bts’s love yourself highlight reel really calms me down, until it doesnt….and it feels like things start getting real….transitioning to the next set of life’s happiest moments that seem to fear a sudden ushered sadness.

on another note, i need to take my vitamins. maybe that’s why I was so tired, lackluster, out of it this morning. It’s been a while since I wrote. do you ever feel like your entire being, mentally and physically, is going through some kind of physical paradigm and you feel like you’re endlessly twisting and turning but in reality your the stillest sack of potatoes on this planet.

i might be going coconuts, but maybe its also simply about perspective and a willingness to feel some sort of pleasant paranoia…is that the word? perhaps a mix of that with “ethereal peace”.

its really like when you get so focused on one single single singular thing and everything stops but you. i really enjoy my new room. I feel like I let the words i needed to let out now, so I’m gonna go finish up some calc now.

adios. support nuest, bts, and got7 forever.

fake love

whole time they wanna take my place.

but do they?

I don’t trust a word you say.

DAMN. This song is really relatable, as an accuser and as an accused. Otakaji?

How you gonna click up after your mistakes?

Wow Drake. Do you know me and the average human population?

I asked my sister a few days ago if she showed fake love to other people, because lately, I was really dreading that I was doing that.

I mean. I am a quiet, forgotten person on this earth. It’s hard to understand that I matter to some people other than family. Friends are really a great thing, but the way I was raised, and the experiences that I’ve had, friends have been taught to become a fake unnecessary thing. It is your family that will stick with you forever. It is your family you need to stick with forever. We are one.

Others are not always one. That is, until you find someone really special and relatable. I have one or two people like that. Really nice, kind, humble, and warm people. Society is such a tough weird place to integrate myself to.

Even though I say it is hard for me to connect and let myself go to most people, I know if I transformed and improved my mindset, I could reach more people. I could adequately collaborate with intelligence and desire and understanding.

But as I am, I have fear. I fear physical expression and its effect. I fear disappointment and rejection from others. I fear tension and stares and the mere possibility of a physical attack.

As I am now, I can be easily traumatized. But I must move past this. I can’t be a trembling baby anymore man. Do other people really matter to you? Do others interest you? Do you have the responsibility to move past your fear of rejection, and proudly, eagerly even, thank others, welcome others, help others in a variety of situations?

When you meet a really good person, it’s absolutely shocking. It’s such a rarity, but’s those people exist out there, and you can tell that they are really good people my the feel of their smile and humbleness of their welcome. I mean, good people are really kind, and good really people really show their appreciation for this life and the life of others. I wish to someday be like that.

Drake, I will try to not show fake love anymore. Unless there is someone toxic in my life- then its bye bitch.

A day.

Do you have writing music?

I think I do. I definitely think I do. MGMT always makes me explore my heart- influencing it to shift through these lows and high of emotion.

Overall, I give this day a B-. I enjoyed meeting up at the library and visualizing for one split second that I was part of a picture of a group of young students discussing ideas, solutions, with furrowed faces and modestly awakened eyes.

Of course, there were some members in the group who “don’t give a shit” (verbatim…), but I don’t care. Even if they say they don’t care, they must have an interest. Otherwise, why would they respond to my questions the way they did. Perhaps you could consider the 10% of kindness even the worst of us preserve for the fragile (me), but what to think of the remaining 90%?

I would really like to get to know people more. I don’t know anymore about socializing, but I would like maximizeĀ thoughts and ideas as an observant.

AHHh! Everything feels like a mess. My typing. My face. My heart. I must be feeling lonely and unreasonably depressed. I think I am also scared about my Calculus test this Tuesday. And scared about disappointing others and explaining to future job prospects why I got more than one B the spring of my freshman year.

I heard someone today talking about their dream to become a quality rapper. I want to do that to. I want to live on a beat. I want to intertwine linguistic rhythms with a sick beat that will blow everyone’s mind, including mine and Rap Monsters.

There’s only one way to deal with the guilt. And that’s confronting it head on.

Confront things head on ======. And realize, most people care about themselves more than anything anyways, so don’t sacrifice too much of yourself for others.

As you can tell, today was not a great day.