fake love

whole time they wanna take my place.

but do they?

I don’t trust a word you say.

DAMN. This song is really relatable, as an accuser and as an accused. Otakaji?

How you gonna click up after your mistakes?

Wow Drake. Do you know me and the average human population?

I asked my sister a few days ago if she showed fake love to other people, because lately, I was really dreading that I was doing that.

I mean. I am a quiet, forgotten person on this earth. It’s hard to understand that I matter to some people other than family. Friends are really a great thing, but the way I was raised, and the experiences that I’ve had, friends have been taught to become a fake unnecessary thing. It is your family that will stick with you forever. It is your family you need to stick with forever. We are one.

Others are not always one. That is, until you find someone really special and relatable. I have one or two people like that. Really nice, kind, humble, and warm people. Society is such a tough weird place to integrate myself to.

Even though I say it is hard for me to connect and let myself go to most people, I know if I transformed and improved my mindset, I could reach more people. I could adequately collaborate with intelligence and desire and understanding.

But as I am, I have fear. I fear physical expression and its effect. I fear disappointment and rejection from others. I fear tension and stares and the mere possibility of a physical attack.

As I am now, I can be easily traumatized. But I must move past this. I can’t be a trembling baby anymore man. Do other people really matter to you? Do others interest you? Do you have the responsibility to move past your fear of rejection, and proudly, eagerly even, thank others, welcome others, help others in a variety of situations?

When you meet a really good person, it’s absolutely shocking. It’s such a rarity, but’s those people exist out there, and you can tell that they are really good people my the feel of their smile and humbleness of their welcome. I mean, good people are really kind, and good really people really show their appreciation for this life and the life of others. I wish to someday be like that.

Drake, I will try to not show fake love anymore. Unless there is someone toxic in my life- then its bye bitch.

A day.

Do you have writing music?

I think I do. I definitely think I do. MGMT always makes me explore my heart- influencing it to shift through these lows and high of emotion.

Overall, I give this day a B-. I enjoyed meeting up at the library and visualizing for one split second that I was part of a picture of a group of young students discussing ideas, solutions, with furrowed faces and modestly awakened eyes.

Of course, there were some members in the group who “don’t give a shit” (verbatim…), but I don’t care. Even if they say they don’t care, they must have an interest. Otherwise, why would they respond to my questions the way they did. Perhaps you could consider the 10% of kindness even the worst of us preserve for the fragile (me), but what to think of the remaining 90%?

I would really like to get to know people more. I don’t know anymore about socializing, but I would like maximize thoughts and ideas as an observant.

AHHh! Everything feels like a mess. My typing. My face. My heart. I must be feeling lonely and unreasonably depressed. I think I am also scared about my Calculus test this Tuesday. And scared about disappointing others and explaining to future job prospects why I got more than one B the spring of my freshman year.

I heard someone today talking about their dream to become a quality rapper. I want to do that to. I want to live on a beat. I want to intertwine linguistic rhythms with a sick beat that will blow everyone’s mind, including mine and Rap Monsters.

There’s only one way to deal with the guilt. And that’s confronting it head on.

Confront things head on ======. And realize, most people care about themselves more than anything anyways, so don’t sacrifice too much of yourself for others.

As you can tell, today was not a great day.

Im home weirfos

I’m changing this blog to be called The Weirfo Station ;000000000.

Just kidding. I would never commit that typo atrocity. It’s been a long time friend.

Not gonna lie, I really think I forgot how to write and diligently type. It’s been too much of a math year. I had to let go of a lot of the expressive side of me for my first year of college as a pending Computer Engineering major.

BUT NO MORE.

I will regain the few grammar skills I had! I will renew the creativity I never had! I will surge my typing speed once again, and utilize this amazing blog as a source of relief and expression of the random thoughts I wish to dispel and nourish and blossom upon the world.

To be honest, MGMT made me like this. MGMT made me want to return home today, at this very moment. There is so much power and expression in the Oracular Spectacular album that really inspires me to spill out feelings and ideas and basically everything. UGGGHHH! This year happened so fast when will I recount it all and when will I reflect on what I must improve on!

When will I do what I love again.

One day, I’ll figure it out. What’s sad is, at this very moment, everything that I am doing…is for the money. I became a person who really believes that lifes’ many problems can be solved with money, and this fact makes me really distraught and cray cray.

I just want to be myself again. I don’t know where you are bro!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?

Maybe I am undergoing the 4th Dimensional Transition.

 

 

I mean, I am listening to it right now at this very moment. (Sly emoji smile)

Friends. The weirdy station is back, and it can never leave. (insert suga shrug after he calls himself a genius here)

See you tomorrow chingu.

last one friends.-ha. not really

hello legions of followers:

(And now back to somewhat correct grammar and punctuation)

Today, I am finally compiling my high school life’s ultimate resume. It’s scary. Things went by ordinarily fast, and I can’t seem to grab a hold of life yet. I’m still trying, and that’s what matters. I know all of you super successful people out there who say, “You’ve tried so many times just give up!”. My brain said that in a way more badass voice than your head is probably saying, cause’ rereading it just sounds so lame.

Want to hear a plus side of my last high school year? I’m not crying as much!!! Yay. It was a serious problem though. Thinking back on it makes we want to cry, because when I’m happy, and when I’m smiling, I’m actually a really happy, childish, and playful person, but depression really gets to me. Things have started to change though. I don’t let the pangs of pain in my heart get to me so much anymore, and I enjoy the moments I spend with my family rather than lament over the time I wasted not doing work or watching Korean related stuff.

Per usual, I have totally become one of those people who don’t have a crap idea what they want to do with their lives, or how to achieve it. It really seems like things are too late, and now things will just be harder to do later on, but I actually have the strength to do them now. It’s taken a long time to grow up even a little bit. I’m still just a kid, and will probably keep it that way for some time to come, because I enjoy life living as an aegi. But I’ll be a hard working kid in her 20’s.

I know one thing that I want for my future. I want to make more friends. I haven’t done a good job TRYING to do this. I usually just let it happen. Although, that method actually got me one really cool chingu. Still, it has dawned on me that social skills are actually a really nice and kind quality to have, but I don’t want to erode my introverted personality 100 percent. I enjoy listening more than telling stories, but when I do have a story to tell, I want to tell it to everyone in the world, but nobody will listen because no one has ever really heard or recognized that I actually have a voice under that quiet exterior. A loud and messy voice, but a passionate one.

I wanted to write only on a few things today. One last time, I will say that I missed writing on the weirdy station. It’s always really fun and emotional, but I think the time has come to say goodbye.

…..(pause for 2 minutes…)

You know, that sounded like a future event. I actually do not wish to terminate the Weirdy Station. It’s a refuge to dispose of my struggles and personality with virtual beings. I have memories here. I have thoughts here that I don’t have anywhere else, but I think it’s time to experiment with a new branch of voice. One that challenges my intellectual potential.

Do you think I should start a vlog? Or like- a Youtube channel where I dispel all the cool things I think and care about. Maybe…. Put broadcasting my face to a plausible(although highly unlikely) audience of millions does not sound very nice. Still, making videos sounds cool. I just don’t know what videos I want to make yet. Or! I could just write stories and post them on a blog solely dedicating to my writing! That sounds cool.

Anyways, I got to get back to my resume. I’ll see you later weirdy station.

A New Set of Steps

I finally did it. I have finally, finally walked the talk.

I will act now.
I will have control over my emotions and mind.

I will believe in myself and my actions.

I should be prouder of myself than I am, but as any ambitious person does, I have high expectations for myself. But I need to forget about expectations forever. Expectations all have dubious futures. I want to focus on the moment, second by second. Improvement by Improvement. Idea by idea.

To get up and talk in front of a group of people to help change the world with you is a really hard thing to do, especially if you are a seriously shy, quiet, and vulnerable introvert. BUT GUYS! I DID IT!!!!

I’m so happy all of a sudden I want to cry. There are very few moments in my life where I have been truly and overwhelmingly proud of myself, that I will just cry and cry and cry, because I actually acted for the truth in my heart. Suddenly, with the expression of thoughts, I’ve realized this step I have taken will be one of the most meaningful and provoking moments in my life.

I will never forget the step I took today. I will never forget the angst and worries trying to tick away my heart as the hours past until I exposed my heart. My dream. I overcame that fear, and I faced a crowd of unknown dreams, to radiate to them my own. To share my heart, truth, and dream with them. I no longer have a heart hiding under my terrible teenage skin.

In conclusion, I would like to thank the lord jesus christ-jk. That was my lame attempt at an oscar winning speech. But actually I do thank God, which is something I don’t say a lot, or even write a lot. When I pray, it’s very colloquial. Which is weird because I’m supposedly speaking with GOD, the most supreme force in the universe! He’s like the friend I can ask for help with, to improve myself to then improve the world. Other than the supreme force of destiny, I would like to thank my dad, my mom, and my sister. I don’t think you even understand how much I would like to thank them. It’s more than a simple passing blurb of their names/figures. They mean more to me than you will ever know. They are the reason and the push and the tears behind my first step into a new world. Also my dog, who overwhelms my heart with more innocent joy than I can ever describe in words. It’s like flaming fireworks in my heart every time I see him.

I do foresee many failures, but I see successes as well. The people that have joined me are good, funny, amazing minds that have the opportunity to be amazing citizens of this world.

Sometimes you ask yourself, actually, all the time you ask yourself, “What’s the point in doing anything? WHAT!!??” Even though there doesn’t seem to be a coherent, and justifiable answer, the action of DOING just feels right, instinctive, you know. But there comes a time to enter a higher realm of doing things in your life. Isn’t that where you contribute to the lives of others? To contribute to the planet that shelters and protects you. To respect the living beings also trying to figure out that there really is no point or necessity to human life, or anything life. We were created, I guess, to create a really messed up, entertaining story. Supposedly, we get to write it. Not some predetermined fate, but I can’t help that predetermined fate does have a role in our decisions. Bitch is throwing me off. Anyways, I don’t care if there’s is no factual, coherent point to living. We simply live to avoid pain, to explore, and to find happiness. Living is hard, but it’s really fun and cool.

I am the greatest salesman in the world. Hafid has found the greatest salesman in the world once again!

Around the World In Eighty Days: The Aftermath (AKA I’m back B’s)

Hello limited number of followers. Can I just say now I recognize that my largest and most supportive audience is Indira’s Brain (Me). I am back after some depressing time off from The Weirdy Station. I thought I matured into superiority and therefore created an actually inferior blog called Around the World In One Thousand Something Days (There was an actual number involved I just do not remember it at all.) But forget that. My home, I know this now, is The Weirdy Station. This is what I started, and this is how I want to continue to demonstrate my progression as a student, educator, and person. I do plan to minimize my interests, and have more of a distinctive theme to this blog, because I have a feeling I want to make this blog more active than the rather laissez faire sidelining 12 followers I have now, no offense, but lesbe honest-you are probably not going to delve into reading this lame piece of work.

But it is true. I want to meet people. This is something I have done a very good job avoiding. Too good of a job avoiding. Now that I see myself parting from the group of five I have clung onto for so long (my family), I have that desire to explore other minds. Really, I need that desire and experience. Exploring the Korean entertainment world has only ignited this newly formed passion of mine to discover more minds and cultures and people and outer connections with strangers. At the same time, it is very hard to acquiesce (SAT WORD for agree/accept(Indira 1 SAT 0) *SAT will soon go up fast, just watch)) that I not only have to accept this separation from the people I love most in this world, but that I actually want to diverge from the family I have lived with for so long. I know it is not a complete isolation, but I can sense it. Actually, it almost feels like were growing closer while moving further apart-but I think maybe it is just that we are moving and progression into a very new, but fun trail of life and relationships. With my dad, with my mom, with my sister, with my dog, Rocky, and with myself, there is an obscure road we are inadvertently passing through, but I like it. I can feel myself becoming mature, but so immature at the same time. Maybe because it is so hard to accept maturity. I don’t want to be grown up, but it seems so cool to be. So strong to be. So easy live with maturity, but with youthful joy mixed in there too. I’m probably too young to be saying any of this, and all you oldies (I mean this is the most respectful way) out there probably think I have no right to say this, but I do abiding by the Constitution of the United States. The Founding Fathers backing me up since 1787.

I’ll continue to try blogging every day, and eventually figure out my role as a blogger, which a role I really like to pursue. I might even recreate my insta and other social networking platforms. I’m even starting to take more selfies now, which is really something I never thought I would tag along with, but I’ve had a slow spurt of confidence that has finally allowed me to accept my face as it is, precisely because I just don’t have any money for plastic surgery. (Oh Well Shrug) But I am definitely growing in confidence and acceptance in terms of outward appearance. Now I just need to work on refining what’s inside Indira A. (Last name will remain anonymous, because yes I am afraid of stalkers.) I always thought my personality was ok, and I never really thought about fixing it necessarily, because all I thought about before was changing my face, even though I knew that was impossible. I was really overwhelmed with low self-esteem about how I looked and how quiet and reserved I portrayed myself to others. I’m also slowly and thankfully learning to walk the talk. I find inspiration out of way too many things, but that’s definitely a good thing. Without inspiration, this blog would have never even started and I would be in a total rut right now. As Chanyeol from EXO exclaims, I shall mature through my past experiences in confronting my faults and hopefully move forward as a better person. HIM HIM HIM HIM. HIM means strength in Korean, except you don’t pronounce it the same way you pronounce the male connotation of Him, as in Him over there. Just beware, whenever I say HIM, and they are in capital letters, it means I’m screaming for power/strength.

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM.

Goodnight and Welcome to The Weirdy Station. Depart time: Now.

*I really should do a better job of working this blog as a train station analogy. That would be so fun and cool. Some one out there would probably comment “No it wouldn’t.” In the meanest and straight faced tone ever.*

Okay. Cud.

High School’s Ultimate Lesson

I’ve learned something incredible. Revolutionary. I’ve learned everything in the entire world.

I’ve learned that the ultimate lesson to take away from high school, teenagehood, and every other crappy moment of this past 16 years…is to get over it.

By it, I mean all of the crappy things my brain makes me believe I go through. A lot of that also has to do with my hormones, which are total bitches and make it difficult for me to get over “it”, but that just may be life’s ultimate lesson.

Get over it, and get over yourself.

Their isn’t much meaning to life. I mean, imagining it. Human’s could have never existed. They didn’t have to, non-scientifically at least. But I guess God wanted to see a super long movie up there in the sky, so he created us, and here we are, trying to live this story out from him. Some of us suck at is, some of us rock at it, but that’s not completely our fault. Sure, sure, life is a beautiful inspirational thing, but at the same time, we are simply just “here”, and we can’t do anything about that, unless one considers suicide, which is really not not not a good idea, because as a result of just being here, you are a human with feelings that surrounds other humans with feelings that care about you.

I know it’s bad to say this, but I think life has no meaning. I mean, the human life itself. It’s absolutely useless and wasteful and painful. But I’m glad that it exist. I love the people that brought me into this life, the people I came with into this life, and the people or animals that have become a part of it. But at the same time I fucking hate everything else.

Remember, this blog is my rant medium purposely made for me to say to someone or something that I hate the world while trying to live up my individual moral lessons that I make up typically in the beginning of each blog entry.

damn, i need to get better at this life thing.

also, i hate pms. Let’s be honest, one of the main reasons I even have a blog is so I don’t destroy the physical world with my radical mood swings and instead lash out my stupidity and bitchiness here. God, I fucking hate the world.

Do you know, that sometimes I ask him why he even brought me here. Fucking why Jesus. Why Mother Earth??????????????????????????

Okay, see. The above is not something I would ever say on a daily basis, but maybe. It’s just buried inside. Although at the same time I also thank him very much for giving me life.

It’s the mensies man. It’s the mensies. Sigh.

I think I’m done now. I think 90% of the world would probably hate me right know. I would, maybe.