Successfully Wasted the Past 2 Hours

I don’t know.  Sometimes I just don’t feel super great, and decide to make myself feel worse by looking through social media, because at first there’s some curiosity there, and then after you’ve spent a little while looking over at pictures, you’re like, “How is this even entertaining me? This shit is boring, and I’m talking about Facebook here. I usually don’t spend so much time on Facebook anymore, but today I decided to go past the usual 5 minutes and venture onto, mmmhhh,  I don’t know, 20 minutes, I hope. And I’ve got things to do, a whole other life to lead other than the one that I have (or lack thereof) have in social media.

Sometimes, do you ever feel like you didn’t live up to your expectations, as a person?

I feel kind of constricted at school, and sometimes, all of the time, I don’t like that. I wish I could be myself, but I just can’t.

Either that, or maybe I’m just really freaking boring.

Today, my friend told me I’m no fun, and that really bugged me and brought me down the whole day, and the only reason was because I had to film a few shots for this short video I’m doing, and she was supposed to be in them, but she was late, so me and my other cooler(that’t right) friends finished before she came, and when she finally saw me afterwards asking about the video, she all of a sudden said I’m no fun. I mean, who the fuck does that hoe thinks she is? She doesn’t even know me well enough to say that, because I won’t let her, because she just makes me uncomfortable, and unwilling to be myself.

Don’t you just wish SO MUCH that you could just call off a friendship forever and never see them again? Unfortunately, I have a class with her, and my other friends are friends with her, so the awkwardness would be just too profuse to handle, so all I’m left with is going the distance, until hopefully, we have no classes together next year, and I don’t have to see her freaking face again…but sadly I think we’re destined to have at least one class together, which is sad.

But yeah. Today when I went to school, I felt like I had no personality at all, and I was just the blandness of my high school, when everyone else had color. Not a good day.

Yesterday was also my last orchestra concert of the year, and a lot of seniors are leaving this year, and when we finished our set, my director got kind of emotional, which in turn made me really emotional. Unfortunately, I cry easy. Especially when other people are about to cry, and they start to make that face. I can’t even. But it was really nice nonetheless, and orchestra really was a huge part of my life, and part of making this one of the best years ever, even though it was also one of the loneliest, hardest, funniest, loving years ever. A lot happened this year. Things that you’ll never know about, unless I write a book, and I hope I do. I hope I do.

Well, I think I might be done spilling emotional neediness/problems out for today. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but the internet really is indispensible, so I can write as much shit as I want bitcheeees. SO I’m gonna keep doing it, cause writing makes me happy. Well, not necessarily writing, but words, and telling/ writing them to someone or something. I’M TELLING THE STORY OF MY INTERNAL FEELINGS PEOPLE! So you’re just going to have to deal with it blogger, because I need this.

And I just reread an Entertainment Weekly article on Lena Durham,and it made me feel better, because she’s awesome.

I want HBO.

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Women History Essay Time

I just gotta say, I’ve never felt more proud of what I’m writing about and what I’m writing overall.

Because for serious,

I’m writing the best damn women’s right essay EVER.

Probably not, but I’m doing pretty well in it, because I have a lot to live up to.

My dad initially gave me this great counterpart for the essay, and I almost cried when I heard it, because it was so true. I never thought of it that way. I’m glad to say that I don’t completely agree with him in all parts, but with that counterpart, he helped me create my own opinion on the role and status of women.

(By the way, the topic is to “Evaluate the validity of the statement: The role and status of women basically stayed the same throughout the 20th century”.)

I can’t wait to finish it. I’m thinking about putting it on my blog, because this ideal and look about women is really interesting and complicated to me, but I’ll change the essay a little to put it a less sophisticated sound the essay has, because I think it needs to sound natural; it needs to have my normal, wacky, coming of age voice, not the sophisticated one you are required to put on when writing an essay, forcing to put up extreme creative writing limitations for ideas and words.

Anyways, I’ll get back to it, and hopefully you all, whoever you all is, or is not, since probably no one reads this blog, will get to see it.

Okay, I’m done for now. Bye.

Reagan Smash

For you’re historical enjoyment:

If whoever of you did not know, Reagan had Alzheimer’s after his presidential term ended, and is the basis of this joke. Kinda mean, but unfortunately funny.

God Damn You Chemistry

I try people. You know I try, but damn is Chemistry the worst, THE WORST, possible topic of existence on this planet earth. I can’t do it; I just can’t and it’s totally the source of my forthcoming ruined future. Damn, I can’t even tell my parents this or they’ll freak out more than they ever have before in their lives, at least concerning grades. I officially have a C; no, you know what, I barely have a C.

There’s only one thing left to do, or two I guess: Pray to God to give me the brains and strength to raise that on the edge of the cliff C to at least, AT LEAST, a mediocre B. Seriously, I’m doing that as we speak, or type I guess…

I’ve never had such a dangerous grade issue affect me this much before. I feel like I’m losing my mind, because for anyone who reads this, you know how ambitious I am, and the things I want to accomplish, and although many probably think I’m over-exaggerating, the way to go is get the best grades and get into a great college. I mean, this past year, I’m beginning to think it doesn’t even matter that much what college you go to, just if you have the talent. People don’t even go to college, and a number of them achieve their dreams and ambitions.

So you can see how much I hate that this horrible lame ass C is affecting me, when I wish it wouldn’t so much. I hate that people expect a certain person from me, and the person I expect from myself, because I can be a lazy ass human being one day, and then most committed, ruthless human being the next day. I wish I could be both and work them both out cohesively into my life, because I like to be a lazy-ass: I get to watch T.V, for hours. It’s part of a necessary daily routine.

I could tell you all these wishes that I have. About how I wish I could just watch T.V for the rest of my life, or how I wish school didn’t have to be so lame, or how i wish chemistry didn’t exist, or how i wish chemistry could rot in purgatory, but the deal we unknowingly make when we enter mother earth, is that we have to deal with life, and all the shit that comes with it. I try to remind myself everyday how crappy life is, and the only way I can make it through, is to deal with it, because if I don’t tell myself I need to deal, “you gotta deal”, I am going to crack.

Everything depends on so much, and it seems you can’t ever let go of your reams for a freaking millisecond.

Sigh.

You want to know what the test was on?

Chemical Reactions, and other stuff. See, I can barely tell you what this test was on.

I don’t know. I’m just really upset and frazzled over how it all turned out. My teachers don’t prepare me well, and distracted myself way too much with Korean Dramas and music. The Korean Pop was too infectiously luscious, specifically CN Blue. (Search them up, they’re actually pretty good.)

Anyways, the road ahead contains a lot of pathetic begging for extra credit, dealing with a stubborn, uncaring teacher (even though she’s funny), and dealing with the rest of the shit life throws at me, because that is life’s purpose. Yes.

I can do this. I know I can. I’m not bragging here. I’m just trying to encourage myself from getting out of a major ditch, and if my parents find out I fell so low, they’ll drown me in it with their overflow of disappointment, and I just can’t handle that. (What a lame analogy. Sorry, I never do analogies, so I thought I would try it out: Unsuccessful)

Don’t worry, I’ll be back, and shove my foot up chemistry’s ass butt (Too many bad words- I’m not used to using so many at one time). Just wait.

FSPA 2014… It’s more than journalism Part 1

You know that when you listen to Hans Zimmer’s Inception soundtrack, it’s time to get deep.

Just kidding, but listening to “Time” -Hans Zimmer- realy makes me want to think, really think; and feel.

So this is a rare blog… a weird one really. I’m not at home, and I’m writing from a totally stranger computer… (were not really connecting, just kidding, this hotel computer is okay, but the keyboard is LI-TE-RAT-LY the worst keyboard I have ever written on in my life. I have never had to press down on keys  with such pressure in my life.)

Anyways, yeah. I’m in a resort that’s not my home; I’m in the middle of the hotel bar/lounging area, and it’s kinda awkward, because there’s people passing by and I’m starting to get really paranoid that they’re going to stop to read what I’m writing and judge me, but then I think, WHO CARES, and the Inception soundtrack helps.

Coming here, I wasn’t expecting a whole lot, but sitting here, in front of this computer I’ve never seen, a place I’ve never been in, with people I barely know,  without my family-people that always make me happy, I can’t help but feel good in a way. Within this convention, there’s so many stories and futures that are going to grow along mine, and it makes me proud. These people have one goal; and it’s to tell a story, nothing else. Tell stories; with their minds and brains and words and expressions: what people my age do here and in their tiny communities is insane. Were explaining to people about a changing community, a changing society, a changing world, and that’s something nobody else but us wants to do.

——–To be continued, because I was interrupted by time, and as of now I have officially changed settings, so talk will be different.——

Thoughts on Holidays…even the measly ones; oh, and writing competitions too

Tomorrow, I go to the Florida Scholastic Press Association Convention, otherwise in simpler terms known as, a FL student journalist convention! Yay!

Wait, let’s take a break. I’ll be back in 20 minutes, but you won’t really know that because you can’t see me… Ummm, okay, whatever. I’m being forced to clean my room after delaying for too long. Will come back.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry, but this is officially a FAILED INCOMPLETE, again, FAILED BLOG. Why, because the rushed feeling of packing up the day before a journalist convention, and the constant direct questions of what clothes I’m going to take, or what perfume I’m gonna take, and the increasingly irritating sound of Beyonce’s If I Were A Boy in the background that my sister refuses to stop singing….

The continuation of my previous thoughts on holidays and my worries and excitement for writing competitions is over now, because I don’t remember them after an experience of anxious haste and irritation all due to putting clothing into a suitcase.

SO, to calm me down, here are my choices:

1. Watch Family Ties
2. Write some more/blog some more about crap or whatever
3. Think about good elementary school moments
4. I would watch VGHS (Video Game High School, one of the best TV shows ever) but sadly I finished Season 2 today, and it made me sad, even though the show is freaking hilarious, I now have to wait months for Season 3
5. I don’t know
6. What is life…no no, I’m kidding were not gonna do that. I’m kidding people, calm your judgement down

Exciting things to come and blog about……I love the silence those extended dots (…..) create that I can’t recall the name of right now. Anyways:

-Pretty sure the stars of The Fault In Our Stars are coming to Florida, because FL basically number 1 in the Demand TFIOS tumblr contest, and I’m specifically losing my mind over the possibility of meeting Nat Wolff, John Green will be such an overwhelming treat too, You know what, Ansel and Shailene will be tremendous treats as well. It’ll be awesome
-Starting up my own offbeat (I may have mentioned this already) community magazine
-RAGING BULL, ROBERT DENIRO
-VGHS

I can’t think of other things exciting me right now… so for now, —ELIPSES, that’s what these …. are called; anyways— …so for now, I leave you with this:

Two Door Cinema Club- What You Know