So, after weeks, I have at last returned to the place I feel I am meant to be in. My Blog. I missed The Weirdy Station, a lot.
A lot of things were going on, and this time that’s not an excuse for my lack of posts on this blog, because this time it’s not procrastination, and it really is school work…WHICH SUUUUCKS.
I had an approximate amount of maybe 3 “me” days this past October. It was a month of residing stress and anxiety issues, blindingly coming to at least some vague terms in what I want to make happen in my life, or what I want my life to be in this world.
A contribution? A bystander? A money-maker? Actually, a money-maker was always out of the question, but people are always so adamant about making sure I choose a future that provides me a stable income *cough cough* my parents, mainly my mom, but I think my dad secretly wants that for me to.
Yeah, so I figured a few things out…I guess. I had my first experience with what my possible future boss would be like, AKA, my TV Broadcast teacher. There are positives and negatives involved in that situation regarding my quality of work…but I don’t really want to get into that. Why? Just in case my teacher ever finds my blog and see’s my throwing of the “shade”. Cause’ I can throw shade ’bout her though. At least I can rant about the struggle with my TV Broadcast buddy. At the same time, I respect and hate how rude she is to me, because by pointing out every single mistake I make in detail, she is preparing me for a very scary and real future.
I had my All-County Audition today. Unfortunately, I got nervous as I was playing one of my excerpts, which is not unusual, but this time I really thought I was going to be okay during and audition and prevent from trembling like the aging hand of a human being held up in the air…but I guess some things just don’t work out that way. I messed up pretty badly on one of the excerpts, and had to stop playing and reset 3 times, but at least I finished playing the piece, right?
Anyways, as I exited the audition room, I was just like, “Waaaaaaat, question mark.” And it was because I had practiced it, time and time again, over and over, and each time I played the excerpt right. I knew I could do it. So it was kind of crazy to me, thinking about that.
You practice a certain thing, you know, so many times, and then in a single moment, you just cannot replicate what you practiced a million times. How does that even happen? What about the concept of practice man? Where did that go?
“Down the drain, good sir.”
I’ll admit, I didn’t practice as much as I could have, but sometimes over-practicing is kind of detrimental for me, because I start to over-think things, and get bored with the music, and start to feel like crap because I think that I can’t do anything right, even though I may be doing okay.
But still, you do something once, and you can’t do it again. Sometimes that is life. It’s just never exactly the same. Never consistent, which simultaneously makes the world a terrible and amazing place.
I’ve kind of learned something. Something that differentiates a great musician from an okay one. An okay musician thinks about how to play the music well. A great musician doesn’t think, he just feels, and does.
I mean, you always have to start out really thinking about the music, but after you think about it, think about how to glide the bow across the strings, think about how to adjust every note of music in front of you, eventually the music becomes a part of you, ingrained in your mind, and it is the coolest thing ever.
But when an audition comes around and humanity sets in, BAM, you’re caught thinking about the music and the results and the competition again, even just a little bit, and anxiety takes over.
This is why anxiety is a bitch.
I hope I make it. No matter what chair I get or what violin music I read, I just want to play awesome music with people. It’s become such a bigger part of my life than I ever imagined it would, and I want to keep on doing it.
I think that’ll be it for today. I know my blogs are really disorganized and stuff, but I like it that way. It really is a Weirdy Station of random, completely useless thoughts, and I thank God for spell check, and I thank God for music. Amen.