How I Feel About Jonah’s Forever

What do I want to write about? I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I just want to keep on writing and writing and writing, FOREVER.

A few days ago, I saw Sleepless in Seattle, and there is this scene in the movie where Jonah, the main kid character in the story is mad at his Dad for leaving on a trip with his super “lame”, hyena laughing woman, and rightfully so. So when the Dad, which is Tom Hanks, starts talking about getting laid after months, suddenly Jonah’s there. Yaaaay!

The shot they shot of Jonah from behind is great, by the way.

Anyways, Tom Hanks, the Dad, asks Jonah how long he’s been standing there in a stern and like WTF manner, and Jonah GENIUSLY goes like:
“FOREVER.”

And cue to me screaming like a wildebeest, because that scene was literally one of the best scenes I’ve ever seen in my life, and I don’t even know why?

Maybe it’s Jonah’s face, or maybe it’s Jonah’s tone of voice, but I’m not fucking lying I love that scene more than anything, which is an exaggeration, but exasperated times call for exasperated measures.

It’s my favorite scene of all time, which is likely to change, but maybe not.

You may think I’m crazy, which I am-I mean, so are you, we are human beings, a part of an insane human race- but I don’t care because I freaking love this scene.

That’s all I have to say about that though.

sleepless_in_seattleheader

What to do what to do.

As I am writing this I am trying to figure out what to do next.

Listen to CNBLUE

Write a story

Look at articles about the world

Watch funny YouTube Videos

Rewatch Video Game High School for the 100th time.

All Questions, left unknown.

I think I’m going to check my grades, and then go from there.

This was a poem by the way

Because it is structured that way

And that’s why poems are called poems

Because of the way they look

I mean come one,

lesbe honest.

The Concept Of Practice-Bleh

So, after weeks, I have at last returned to the place I feel I am meant to be in. My Blog. I missed The Weirdy Station, a lot.

A lot of things were going on, and this time that’s not an excuse for my lack of posts on this blog, because this time it’s not procrastination, and it really is school work…WHICH SUUUUCKS.

I had an approximate amount of maybe 3 “me” days this past October. It was a month of residing stress and anxiety issues, blindingly coming to at least some vague terms in what I want to make happen in my life, or what I want my life to be in this world.

A contribution? A bystander? A money-maker? Actually, a money-maker was always out of the question, but people are always so adamant about making sure I choose a future that provides me a stable income *cough cough* my parents, mainly my mom, but I think my dad secretly wants that for me to.

Yeah, so I figured a few things out…I guess. I had my first experience with what my possible future boss would be like, AKA, my TV Broadcast teacher. There are positives and negatives involved in that situation regarding my quality of work…but I don’t really want to get into that. Why? Just in case my teacher ever finds my blog and see’s my throwing of the “shade”. Cause’ I can throw shade ’bout her though. At least I can rant about the struggle with my TV Broadcast buddy. At the same time, I respect and hate how rude she is to me, because by pointing out every single mistake I make in detail, she is preparing me for a very scary and real future.

I had my All-County Audition today. Unfortunately, I got nervous as I was playing one of my excerpts, which is not unusual, but this time I really thought I was going to be okay during and audition and prevent from trembling like the aging hand of a human being held up in the air…but I guess some things just don’t work out that way. I messed up pretty badly on one of the excerpts, and had to stop playing and reset 3 times, but at least I finished playing the piece, right?

Anyways, as I exited the audition room, I was just like, “Waaaaaaat, question mark.” And it was because I had practiced it, time and time again, over and over, and each time I played the excerpt right. I knew I could do it. So it was kind of crazy to me, thinking about that.

You practice a certain thing, you know, so many times, and then in a single moment, you just cannot replicate what you practiced a million times. How does that even happen? What about the concept of practice man? Where did that go?

“Down the drain, good sir.”

I’ll admit, I didn’t practice as much as I could have, but sometimes over-practicing is kind of detrimental for me, because I start to over-think things, and get bored with the music, and start to feel like crap because I think that I can’t do anything right, even though I may be doing okay.

But still, you do something once, and you can’t do it again. Sometimes that is life. It’s just never exactly the same. Never consistent, which simultaneously makes the world a terrible and amazing place.

I’ve kind of learned something. Something that differentiates a great musician from an okay one. An okay musician thinks about how to play the music well. A great musician doesn’t think, he just feels, and does.

I mean, you always have to start out really thinking about the music, but after you think about it, think about how to glide the bow across the strings, think about how to adjust every note of music  in front of you, eventually the music becomes a part of you, ingrained in your mind, and it is the coolest thing ever.

But when an audition comes around and humanity sets in, BAM, you’re caught thinking about the music and the results and the competition again, even just a little bit, and anxiety takes over.

This is why anxiety is a bitch.

I hope I make it. No matter what chair I get or what violin music I read, I just want to play awesome music with people. It’s become such a bigger part of my life than I ever imagined it would, and I want to keep on doing it.

I think that’ll be it for today. I know my blogs are really disorganized and stuff, but I like it that way. It really is a Weirdy Station of random, completely useless thoughts, and I thank God for spell check, and I thank God for music. Amen.

Cinema Paradiso My Friends

cinema_paradiso

I never used to watch Foreign films. It was just something that had never intrigued me, precisely because they’re not in English, and for some reason, I never thought they could compare to a Hollywood movie. But I’ve now discovered, I was terribly, terribly wrong, but that’s because I had no actual working brain before, you know?

I’m starting to watch more Foreign based films as I grow older and start thinking more, and in truth, I haven’t racked up that many to call upon any form of expertise on foreign films. In fact, most of the foreign films I’ve watched, which probably accounts to three(a sad but growing number), were urged and suggested viewing by my dad, and thank god for that.

So as you’ve probably guessed by now, this is gonna be about a Foreign Film, and a really, really nice one at that.

I began watching this movie with this strange, heartfelt storyteller feeling. I wanted to see and hear and feel something from a beautiful story, because my dad, sister, and I were sitting around our couches after eating dinner, listening to some of the greatest soundtracks of all time (not my words, YouTube’s words, but they actually are the greatest soundtracks of all time)on Youtube from our television. It’s formed into some kind of habit of ours while eating dinner over the past few months and listening to these soundtracks. It’s actually become a really memorable and nice feeling. But anyways, I was feeling in the mood to watch a movie, and a great one. So we took our chances with Netflix, and went with Cinema Paradiso. Just Kidding. Of Course, my dad picked out the movie, remembering watching it as a kid. And no matter what, my dad always has the best taste in movies, it’s almost a blessing, but I also think a lot of it came from his dad. Maybe it’s a family gene. Anyways, the first scene in the movie started out with this view of the ocean from the balcony, with a large bowl right in the middle of the balcony’s edge, slowly inching further away from it as the music plays in the background, and after a while, all I can think of is…when can we get this freaking scene over with? Not a good way to start out a movie, but now, as I think back on it, I think the director was showing us a beginning, obviously, but to be more specific, the beginning of Salvatore ‘Toto’ Di Vita and his home.

I guess my next approach here should probably be centered on telling you who exactly Salvatore ‘Toto’ Di Vita is. This person is the main character of Cinema Paradiso; as a matter a fact, he IS Cinema Paradiso. The movie begins first with a call from Salvatore’s mother, who calls an older Salvatore Toto to tell him a man named Alfredo has died. In these first few scenes, we take a small glance at the life of Salvatore Di Vita without knowing at all the person he was before. What we do know is he hasn’t been to his original home in over 30 years, lives in a nice house, has a girlfriend who answers Toto’s mother’s call, and tells Salvatore Alfredo has died. But the most significant part of this whole misinformed set of scenes is the moment Salvatore’s lays down in bed, and the women (his girlfriend) next to him asks him, ‘Who is Alfredo?’ Actually, there’s something else when the mother is about to make the call that’s pretty important, but that’s too important to understand in the beginning of the movie.

And I’ve only just realized how important that single question is to this entire movie asked by this random, unimportant woman. Just now. But that’s now your own little endeavor to discover.

Anyways, from the moment ‘Who is Alfredo?’ is asked, we enter a completely different world, set in a little town/village in Italy, rugged brick buildings, holy priest in an elaborate church, fountains in the middle of town squares, dusty grounds, quiet and peaceful ocean side: as I said, the most ordinary of little Italian villages, and then add a little Italian boy named Salvatore to the scene, sitting inside the old village movie theater, Cinema Paradiso, flashes of movie scenes streaming across his face, surrounded by a rather large and squished crowd of enthusiastic moviegoers in a theater with only limited seats.

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I was supposed to write this review on Cinema Paradiso 2 months ago… I’ve been yearning to watch it ever since. I just want to say, before I close this entry out for good, this movie will introduce to you a sensation of a sweetly blissful, confusingly ambitious, happily warm feeling in your gut, stomach, and heart. When the movie reaches its end, it unknowingly leaves you yearning for something, anything, and you may not even know what. Maybe Rome, maybe love, maybe childhood. It’s weird, I keep on saying “you” but I’m truthfully referring to myself. It’s a great movie, and at first I didn’t even know why I loved it so much, maybe I still don’t really: I just do.

I’ll be sure to watch it again, and probably write another review for it, a complete one at least. I’m trying to study the films I watch more closely than before. Thinking about what the story means, the details incorporated, the angles of shots and everything. But at the same time I could care less about that, and just watch an awesome movie with an awesome story.

A Political Statement…Not really actually.

Sometimes I feel like making a political statement, but then I think, wait Indira, you don’t know anything about politics.

I completely acknowledge that I am drifting through my AP Government class as nonchalantly as I possibly could, even though I really should not be and should be attempting, at least by some measure, to become more politically aware.

I mean, I know things. It’s not that I’m a complete “Dwight you ignorant slut”. (It’s becominga world renowned phrase, BTW’s)

Although foreign affairs do really interest me. they bring in an aspect of life I’m not used to. I don’t know if you knew this, but there’s something so…cultural, yes, cultural about cultures, you know what I mean? I’m kidding, that self-explanatory and a stupid joke.

But world cultures really interests me. It presents me with ideas people here would consider radical, admirable, bat-shit crazy, beautiful, and more. It depicts the lives of people, living in this weird world, just like me, but in a entirely different situation and setting. I mean, What makes them smile? What makes them sad? Are they allowed the search for a pursuit of happiness? Everyone deserves that, obviously, but things just don’t pan out that way, and people snatch each others singular fundamental human rights from one another.

Perhaps the world will always remain this way. When I think about the generation of millennial’s taking over the world as adults, I can easily picture a more open society, maybe even a little clueless, or maybe extremely intelligent. But how are we going to handle the world internationally. I mean, that’s some scary shit man. How are millennial’s going to handle terrorists like ISIS, or Hamas, or people in Ohio cutting of their co-worker’s heads.

I think were probably going to take the following steps:

1. Cuss and say “Shit, Damn, or Fuck.”

2. Efficiently deal with the situation

There’s a lot of really ingenious millenial’s in society right now. It’s so crazy I can’t really begin to imagine what the government, or human right’s will be perhaps 30 years from now. The people sitting next to me are going to be controlling things, me included. I’m going to be a fundamental part of this messed up game of shoots and ladders otherwise known as THE WORLD.

I can’t wait to be an adult.

Just kidding, I can wait.

FREAK YES ITS OVER!!!!!

FREAKING HALLELUJAH PRAISE THE LORD.

You will never encounter the relieve of stress that is in my body’s soul right now, because its surmounts all other relieves of stress in history ever. I have declared it and therefore this statement is valid.

I can do whatever I want now. Want to guess what I did?
(By the way as I am typing this I am also simultaneously whisper screaming because I’m so excited how much I don’t have to stress over anything at all. I am now free. (Cue Gladiator theme song now).

So what happened? I dropped out of high school.

JUST KIDDING, JUST KIDDING.

I would never do that. I love learning too much. I also love being a somewhat mediocre intellectual human being. (The contradiction of denotations there though. Denotation means definition bitch, I looked it up. I’m using the word bitch because I’m excited and it should not be taken as an insult rather a gesture of comfort. Yeah.)

Anyways, what really happened: My All-State orchestra audition finally happened. I got my audition over with, it was an okay audition, and I know in my heart I’m not going to make it, but I feel really good right now. really good.

I used to stress every single day about this audition. My brain would start feeling rugged, the space between my chin and my chest would tremble and burn, and my face would have regular spasms, because I wanted to make it so bad into the All-State Orchestra as a violinist, at least I think I did.

The days in counting were terror up to this past weekend. I had mild insomnia, that would keep me up to the wee and dry hours of the night/morning, by that I mean 3 AM. I mean, I could continue the list of my anxieties disguised, but I cannot fucking wait to forget all that.

My life has been the life of Atlas’ struggling, trembling hands carrying the entire freaking world, except I was just carrying the stressful weight of this high school orchestra audition. Comparable? I think yes. #thestruggle

It has been a crazy few months…of inefficient, wasteful practicing, over-thinking, and my own clouded humanity. At times trying to make my audition pieces sound perfect became like an obsession, and when that happens, it stops being music, it stops being a feeling, and emotion, and becomes almost a conformity. Something I can’t enjoy and feel, which is pretty frustrating.

I know I could have done better, but I didn’t. In the process, I lost my mute, which sucks because it took me years to actually get up and buy one, but you know what, that’s okay, because its freaking over! I CAN PLAY MUSIC AGAIN, AND HAVE FUN DOING IT.

I’m excited. I’m excited to play music, to write scripts and short stories, to make videos and think again and do everything. Atlas is now once again condemned on his own, because there is no way I’m carrying that freaking stress anymore. I can’t wait till next year though.

Status: Currently awaiting the year round wave of stress coming soon, most like tomorrow. Kidding but kind of not.

I’m happy and I can’t wait for what I’m going to do with my life now, except that I can wait because life goes on and I have no choice. I only understood the contradiction the phrase “can’t wait” has just this year. I mean, the phrase is basically an entire contradiction, of like, life.

Okay, I’m done; this blog may have taken an unexpected and excessive turn of events.