You will never encounter the relieve of stress that is in my body’s soul right now, because its surmounts all other relieves of stress in history ever. I have declared it and therefore this statement is valid.

I can do whatever I want now. Want to guess what I did?
(By the way as I am typing this I am also simultaneously whisper screaming because I’m so excited how much I don’t have to stress over anything at all. I am now free. (Cue Gladiator theme song now).

So what happened? I dropped out of high school.


I would never do that. I love learning too much. I also love being a somewhat mediocre intellectual human being. (The contradiction of denotations there though. Denotation means definition bitch, I looked it up. I’m using the word bitch because I’m excited and it should not be taken as an insult rather a gesture of comfort. Yeah.)

Anyways, what really happened: My All-State orchestra audition finally happened. I got my audition over with, it was an okay audition, and I know in my heart I’m not going to make it, but I feel really good right now. really good.

I used to stress every single day about this audition. My brain would start feeling rugged, the space between my chin and my chest would tremble and burn, and my face would have regular spasms, because I wanted to make it so bad into the All-State Orchestra as a violinist, at least I think I did.

The days in counting were terror up to this past weekend. I had mild insomnia, that would keep me up to the wee and dry hours of the night/morning, by that I mean 3 AM. I mean, I could continue the list of my anxieties disguised, but I cannot fucking wait to forget all that.

My life has been the life of Atlas’ struggling, trembling hands carrying the entire freaking world, except I was just carrying the stressful weight of this high school orchestra audition. Comparable? I think yes. #thestruggle

It has been a crazy few months…of inefficient, wasteful practicing, over-thinking, and my own clouded humanity. At times trying to make my audition pieces sound perfect became like an obsession, and when that happens, it stops being music, it stops being a feeling, and emotion, and becomes almost a conformity. Something I can’t enjoy and feel, which is pretty frustrating.

I know I could have done better, but I didn’t. In the process, I lost my mute, which sucks because it took me years to actually get up and buy one, but you know what, that’s okay, because its freaking over! I CAN PLAY MUSIC AGAIN, AND HAVE FUN DOING IT.

I’m excited. I’m excited to play music, to write scripts and short stories, to make videos and think again and do everything. Atlas is now once again condemned on his own, because there is no way I’m carrying that freaking stress anymore. I can’t wait till next year though.

Status: Currently awaiting the year round wave of stress coming soon, most like tomorrow. Kidding but kind of not.

I’m happy and I can’t wait for what I’m going to do with my life now, except that I can wait because life goes on and I have no choice. I only understood the contradiction the phrase “can’t wait” has just this year. I mean, the phrase is basically an entire contradiction, of like, life.

Okay, I’m done; this blog may have taken an unexpected and excessive turn of events.


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