attempts

i just want to say how much i love kim jonghyun. how inspired i am by him. how much strength and feeling and smiles and laughter he gives me.

its crazy, how attached my heart can become to a story; and his has completely eaten it whole. Its not always easy to describe a young boy as kind, shy, cute, with a sincere and friendly smile, but kim jonghyun did that. i seriously cannot figure out. How Did I Get So Attached.

i have a deep personal attatchment to stories that i relate to, or aspire to experience, or grow and learn from.

I want to be able to give strength to others as he does.

You want to know something else. In the world I live in, it has made me feel ashamed to idolize a human that is not a woman. to idolize someone that is a man. but the thing is, when it comes down to the core that is Kim Jonghyun, all I see is a human. A human that whether they be a man or a woman, I would endlessly fall for. A human with such a warm heart, genuine smile and endearing, almost empathetic eyes. You look into them and you can not just see but feel so much. i CANT- I’m going to start sobbing again.

Jonghyun recently participated in this show where he goes on an outing with a fan. A fan who didnt even had a clue he would be right there! Waiting for her to get off the public bus. just even seeing it all the way from my little home in a little town in florida overwhelmed me with fluttering hearts and squeals. that is how my ride of emotions began, but the video and their outing soon become warmer, and heartwrenching bittersweet as they each dug into their story. The exchange between soobin, the fan, and jonghyun, was simply something that left my heart agape, and soon shattered into pieces. Even if this video didn’t mean to, as I watched Soobin slip out some of her burderns and fears and dreams, together with Jonghyun, tears were shed. insert sigh of acceptance. The whole set-up and situation was so endearing and relatable, and I purely purely felt happy that this sincere exchange and experience between two such sweet people not only occurred, but it was shared.

I think for a lot of us bugidans, we find a lot of strength in jonghyun. to us, sure, he may be a looker, but what made us stan, what made us fall. in. love. are the actions and words of genuine sincerity he acts and speaks. My heart feels warm and full letting out what this human makes me feel.

okay. its really time to finish my calc hw now. ill see you later me!

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what does it mean to have money and buy things you feel will make you happy

i always feel bad asking my parents for money. im afraid that they’ll say no, but im even more afraid that they’ll say nothing. in that moments an environment of inner turmoil and thoughts makes me feel ashamed, undeserving, and even more anxious than I already am about spending money.

It’s such a fear. Such a hard thing to get used to. As much as I want to be okay i dont know why i can’t.

You know what. Today I asked my mom for something. Something i wanted because it made me excited happy and motivated. But her initially reaction was negatively hesistant but my anxious questions pushed her strong words even more. words she didn’t even realize would poke at my insecurities about liking a certain thing way too much. its kpop related:(

i feel wrong and bad, and absolutely undeserving i dont know how to get over it some help. i think im just gonna gry until i can’t cry anymore. i should have never asked for such a materialistic thing.

the worst part of it is im asking my own mother if i should BUY this fansite seasons greetings set WITH MY OWN MONEY BECAUSE IM A BABY AND i dont know how to adult.

i am miserable.