im mad and lost and everything else at the same time

I love writing. I love how I’ve written enough in my life thus far, using a laptop or computer, that my hands have gotten used to the feeling of a keyboard; that my hands have even developed their own style of typing. That’s not the point.

A lot of the time, and deep down, all of the time, I just want to quit life, but I know that I can’t. People give so much basic meaning and action to life it makes me so mad. What’s even worse is how much they have convinced me that I should live life that way as well. So baseless and basic and meaningless and I just starting to hate it with a passion.

I despise my obsessive personality, and this growing lack of attention my mind pays to topics she’s not interested in.

I hate how when I get stressed I attempt to squeeze unprepared and sometimes even non-existent pimples. I hate the idea of leaving something or someone im not only obsessed with but in love with because I fear of losing that sincerity I have with them. I don’t want to stop liking Kpop, I dont want to stop loving Kim Jonghyun, but sometimes, for my personal growth and life, it feels that I really have to leave all that behind.

It’s no understatement, that even going through a whole year-long depression in 11th grade, and so much immense stress, 2017 has been one of the worst years of my life. Things and memories and experiences often feel to exist with no meaning or purpose and living seems worthless. yes, I’m enjoying my time, but I’m living as if…as if that’s the only thing I should be doing at this point. im so mad at the person Ive become. kpop was a way too escape the cruel realities of life, but lately, its just bringing me back to them.

when its time to quit, it has to be time to quit. There are so many options to take. I could flush myself out of that world completely, with no traces of it whatsoever, or I could stick with it and learn a sense of committed discipline.

am i a petty person? yes. I do have something to say against the stupidity of others, but replies are truly often just not worth anyone’s time. the ability to comment nowadays….feels like it makes people feel they have some sort of new authority or superiority to unnecessarily include themselves. It can be such a wonderful thing, but most of the fucking time, sns interaction really fucking sucks. I need to understand that kpop simply is not a priority, and even though it feels as if im going to leave kim jonghyun, its something I have to do for the sake of my own fucking life.

i feel like crying. I just finished watching the day i met el chapo and everything in this life and world feels like a fucking life and I dont even know who to trust. In the spur of the moment i just get so intense my feelings go to extremes and i ask myself, “Can I really trust anyone? Even my family?” life is a ball of lies and im just about to fucking explode over it.

why do i feel so wronged lately? i feel wronged. and i feel an urge to fight.

i need to understand the world I want to live in, so that I can be the one who creates that world I want to live in. Im so fucking sick of accepting that being a bystander is “okay” in this world. the bottom line is, stan kpop doesn’t deserve me. as much as it makes my heart warm and my smile brighter, RIGHT NOW, it.does.not.deserve.my.precious.time. an im just done. i have a heart with bigger dreams and goals ive hidden for too long and I just need to constantly remember that.

i love the feeling of loosening my heart. everything was so unbreakable and clouded and squished before writing my thoughts out, no matter how basic or controversial. I’m sick of people thinking how much better they are than one another. that kind of shit thinking gets us, as a human race, fucking nowhere.

im just so done.

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