im mad and lost and everything else at the same time

I love writing. I love how I’ve written enough in my life thus far, using a laptop or computer, that my hands have gotten used to the feeling of a keyboard; that my hands have even developed their own style of typing. That’s not the point.

A lot of the time, and deep down, all of the time, I just want to quit life, but I know that I can’t. People give so much basic meaning and action to life it makes me so mad. What’s even worse is how much they have convinced me that I should live life that way as well. So baseless and basic and meaningless and I just starting to hate it with a passion.

I despise my obsessive personality, and this growing lack of attention my mind pays to topics she’s not interested in.

I hate how when I get stressed I attempt to squeeze unprepared and sometimes even non-existent pimples. I hate the idea of leaving something or someone im not only obsessed with but in love with because I fear of losing that sincerity I have with them. I don’t want to stop liking Kpop, I dont want to stop loving Kim Jonghyun, but sometimes, for my personal growth and life, it feels that I really have to leave all that behind.

It’s no understatement, that even going through a whole year-long depression in 11th grade, and so much immense stress, 2017 has been one of the worst years of my life. Things and memories and experiences often feel to exist with no meaning or purpose and living seems worthless. yes, I’m enjoying my time, but I’m living as if…as if that’s the only thing I should be doing at this point. im so mad at the person Ive become. kpop was a way too escape the cruel realities of life, but lately, its just bringing me back to them.

when its time to quit, it has to be time to quit. There are so many options to take. I could flush myself out of that world completely, with no traces of it whatsoever, or I could stick with it and learn a sense of committed discipline.

am i a petty person? yes. I do have something to say against the stupidity of others, but replies are truly often just not worth anyone’s time. the ability to comment nowadays….feels like it makes people feel they have some sort of new authority or superiority to unnecessarily include themselves. It can be such a wonderful thing, but most of the fucking time, sns interaction really fucking sucks. I need to understand that kpop simply is not a priority, and even though it feels as if im going to leave kim jonghyun, its something I have to do for the sake of my own fucking life.

i feel like crying. I just finished watching the day i met el chapo and everything in this life and world feels like a fucking life and I dont even know who to trust. In the spur of the moment i just get so intense my feelings go to extremes and i ask myself, “Can I really trust anyone? Even my family?” life is a ball of lies and im just about to fucking explode over it.

why do i feel so wronged lately? i feel wronged. and i feel an urge to fight.

i need to understand the world I want to live in, so that I can be the one who creates that world I want to live in. Im so fucking sick of accepting that being a bystander is “okay” in this world. the bottom line is, stan kpop doesn’t deserve me. as much as it makes my heart warm and my smile brighter, RIGHT NOW, it.does.not.deserve.my.precious.time. an im just done. i have a heart with bigger dreams and goals ive hidden for too long and I just need to constantly remember that.

i love the feeling of loosening my heart. everything was so unbreakable and clouded and squished before writing my thoughts out, no matter how basic or controversial. I’m sick of people thinking how much better they are than one another. that kind of shit thinking gets us, as a human race, fucking nowhere.

im just so done.

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attempts

i just want to say how much i love kim jonghyun. how inspired i am by him. how much strength and feeling and smiles and laughter he gives me.

its crazy, how attached my heart can become to a story; and his has completely eaten it whole. Its not always easy to describe a young boy as kind, shy, cute, with a sincere and friendly smile, but kim jonghyun did that. i seriously cannot figure out. How Did I Get So Attached.

i have a deep personal attatchment to stories that i relate to, or aspire to experience, or grow and learn from.

I want to be able to give strength to others as he does.

You want to know something else. In the world I live in, it has made me feel ashamed to idolize a human that is not a woman. to idolize someone that is a man. but the thing is, when it comes down to the core that is Kim Jonghyun, all I see is a human. A human that whether they be a man or a woman, I would endlessly fall for. A human with such a warm heart, genuine smile and endearing, almost empathetic eyes. You look into them and you can not just see but feel so much. i CANT- I’m going to start sobbing again.

Jonghyun recently participated in this show where he goes on an outing with a fan. A fan who didnt even had a clue he would be right there! Waiting for her to get off the public bus. just even seeing it all the way from my little home in a little town in florida overwhelmed me with fluttering hearts and squeals. that is how my ride of emotions began, but the video and their outing soon become warmer, and heartwrenching bittersweet as they each dug into their story. The exchange between soobin, the fan, and jonghyun, was simply something that left my heart agape, and soon shattered into pieces. Even if this video didn’t mean to, as I watched Soobin slip out some of her burderns and fears and dreams, together with Jonghyun, tears were shed. insert sigh of acceptance. The whole set-up and situation was so endearing and relatable, and I purely purely felt happy that this sincere exchange and experience between two such sweet people not only occurred, but it was shared.

I think for a lot of us bugidans, we find a lot of strength in jonghyun. to us, sure, he may be a looker, but what made us stan, what made us fall. in. love. are the actions and words of genuine sincerity he acts and speaks. My heart feels warm and full letting out what this human makes me feel.

okay. its really time to finish my calc hw now. ill see you later me!

what does it mean to have money and buy things you feel will make you happy

i always feel bad asking my parents for money. im afraid that they’ll say no, but im even more afraid that they’ll say nothing. in that moments an environment of inner turmoil and thoughts makes me feel ashamed, undeserving, and even more anxious than I already am about spending money.

It’s such a fear. Such a hard thing to get used to. As much as I want to be okay i dont know why i can’t.

You know what. Today I asked my mom for something. Something i wanted because it made me excited happy and motivated. But her initially reaction was negatively hesistant but my anxious questions pushed her strong words even more. words she didn’t even realize would poke at my insecurities about liking a certain thing way too much. its kpop related:(

i feel wrong and bad, and absolutely undeserving i dont know how to get over it some help. i think im just gonna gry until i can’t cry anymore. i should have never asked for such a materialistic thing.

the worst part of it is im asking my own mother if i should BUY this fansite seasons greetings set WITH MY OWN MONEY BECAUSE IM A BABY AND i dont know how to adult.

i am miserable.

smiling for who

yesterday night, i started getting really sick. I’m not sure what it was- perhaps a combination of the sprawled out non-meal aka snacks that i ate…but suddenly, after a few sips of the dark roast instant coffee I once trusted, began to betray me cruelly.

im dramatizing things it seems, but when you’re tired and longing for a sweet nap, i guess that’s just how things go. I also have music to set the mood.

what stories to i have to tell. its incredible that the way I see myself is so different from how others see me. as loud as my silent voice years to be, it just doesn’t touch people hearts.

I need to figure out how to find confidence again. It’s incredible how much its plummeted. It started out pretty low, but after my mom said something to me, its just worsened.

Do you think guys desire to be pretty? Sometimes I feel like I can’t even step out of my room because I feel physically bad…ugly. I didn’t care about that before- or at least, I learned how to love myself for who I was inside and out. I legitimately liked myself.

Something happened to me. Something. Studying to epik high is always nice. I have a calc quiz tomorrow I’m gonna ace. Thats right! I’m gonna ace it! Im determined.

until later, when I have more stories to tell. adios!

i didn’t realize that the show was over.

Music: Epik High Shoebox Entire Album

It’s a monday people!!!!

I’m not ready to start the week. Maybe that’s because I’m in the refuge of my parents home still waiting for my phone 😦

I feel so messed up sometimes out of nowhere. To be honest, I’m procrastinating right now.

Hey! I know what love is. Can you believe? Even if that person cuts and stabs at your gut, scratches at your heart… you still feel your heart radiating an infinite love for them. Even though it may sad sound, sometimes love is truly that infinite. If only I could feel that for myself.

Don’t worry. I’m trying to figure it out.

As long as I have the patience and determination in me, I have to keep trying. Keep trying everyday and reflect on your mistakes, but don’t lament on them forever. It’s tiring.

Wow. If Epik High doesn’t make some of the best melodies…BYE.

I can definitely see where BTS’s ingenuity comes from. It’s incredible.

keep trying keep going

love yourself.

I will always believe in you, and I will always love you.

My soft hours have concluded.

But not really.

feeling like empty.

if the uncapitalized letters dont give it away enough…i feel empty today.

i dont know what to feel. i dont know. i started on my september bujo. its random and unorganized just like me.

the thing is- that’s just my style though. a little funky, disorganized, with touches of randomness that make up for empty space and desire to fulfill a white pages “untapped potential”.

nah-its actually my brain and souls desire to put as much brain goop on the white page as possible. experimentation! that’s what it is…

i still dont know what im doing. maybe i just need to take a shower.

i should deactivate my twitter. but im not. im just going to have to re-instill a forgotten discipline. I really want to be creative but how can an empty person be fucking creative?!

WHEW! i just cussed and suddenly i could release a breathe of anxious air.

maybe its because my desk is messy…or im deadass tired, but i still feel a bit off.

still trying to figure it out forever and always. peace.

bts. love yourself.

music: bts love yourself piano ver. ryuseralover

the bg in Bts’s love yourself highlight reel really calms me down, until it doesnt….and it feels like things start getting real….transitioning to the next set of life’s happiest moments that seem to fear a sudden ushered sadness.

on another note, i need to take my vitamins. maybe that’s why I was so tired, lackluster, out of it this morning. It’s been a while since I wrote. do you ever feel like your entire being, mentally and physically, is going through some kind of physical paradigm and you feel like you’re endlessly twisting and turning but in reality your the stillest sack of potatoes on this planet.

i might be going coconuts, but maybe its also simply about perspective and a willingness to feel some sort of pleasant paranoia…is that the word? perhaps a mix of that with “ethereal peace”.

its really like when you get so focused on one single single singular thing and everything stops but you. i really enjoy my new room. I feel like I let the words i needed to let out now, so I’m gonna go finish up some calc now.

adios. support nuest, bts, and got7 forever.